Random Rant: On whatever I feel like
Disclaimer: Random Rants have minimal editing and a general disregard for flow
I'm just going to riff a bit here cuz I need to get some things out and not over think it. I'm tired of this going around and around in circles and questioning everything. My thought process goes something like this "Well should I write this post? Why am I writing this post? Whats the point? Who's it for? Me, I want to express myself. But if u want to express yourself why do u need to put it out there in blog form. Well I want to express myself to others? Why? Idk. Does that make sense?
As you can see this kind of thinking gets me nowhere, it just begets more and more questions and leads to inaction, frustration and confusion. Im not sure why these questions are so shitty when they seem like reasonable questions. You know like why do u want to do what u r doing? What r u doing it for. Seems like a simple question but it's not if u keep asking why over and over again like a little kid. Asking why a lot can be good but not in this way because you never get to an ending. There are always more why's, I wouldn't be surprised if I can keep this cycle of why's going for 10 years on this 1 question.
So what do you do? I'm not sure but I'm here writing, perhaps this isn't the best thing for me to do right now and perhaps I shouldn't post it. I can't truly know if I'm right or wrong so I'm going to assume it's neutral and try to enjoy it the best I can. I think a lot of decisions are like that. Trying to figure out what's right or wrong for you is often just a waste of time. The solution to this, I'm sooooo tempted to say is to " just do what u feel like" but then my brain starts to think of 20938902 counter arguments and it starts to hurt. So I won't say that. The world isn't very neat, at least not to me it isn't. I'm tired of pretending like I know, even when I actively try to act like I don't know my mind goes there.
I don't know anything, if writing this blog is good, if I should write something else, if it should be posted or not. The only thing I'm confident in, is that you probably shouldn't vote for Trump but then again I can see that working out too. Whatever working out means. My mind is so anxious with just the potential idea I might publish this. All I know is that this kind of thinking just sucks and is a waste of time and that time is precious. I don't recommend wasting it doing bullshit. It's crazy the time I waste day in and day out on a regular basis.
For example, just 1 minute ago I had to close this blog post because my mind can't handle the idea of publishing it. It's saying stuff like, oh don't make another EMO post you're beyond that, this is going to look weird, what possible value can this have to anyone, isn't there a better use of your time. You aren't going to publish this right. Then the other part of my brain is saying, don't think about it, you're not going to publish this. You're just venting. Relax. Even if u did whats the big deal. It's extremely exhausting. I don't know how to solve this problem. Maybe making the post and seeing the results. That would be cool. What are the results you're looking for tho? My brain goes back to the infinite question loop.
If you think analytically or logically I think you can empathize on some level with what I just posted here. It's the reason for so much depression, sadness and non doing. It's not fun but once you become a "rational thinker" it's hard to close that box. Silencing the mind is great even for a few seconds, it's a nice welcome brief reprieve of peace. This is probably why intuitive types hate thinking because they view it like this. I don't think this is "Real Thinking" though, I view Real thinking like art, it's flowing, its expression, it's interesting you don't know where it will lead you, you don't have any specific goal in mind, when you meet with resistance or get stuck you gently move to the side and continue on unimpeded, just relaxed flowing.
It's a shame that most people don't get to experience this or understand what it's like. Real thinking to me has no right or wrong, it starts out with no set objective, there are rules and guidelines and once you know them it flows easily. Just like art, if you want to make good art u need to know the fundamentals, it doesn't matter how well you flow. I was at some hipster coffee shop in Boston and somehow ended up drawing with some dude their who was an "artist". He told me to just make it intuitive there is no right or wrong and so I did. I'd draw for a min then he'd draw for a minute and he'd often make these technical and fundamental fixes to my drawings to make them look better. He had solid technique from practice and applied it to my crappy drawings. I wondered if you can do that for thinking, have some who thinks shittily (for lack of a better word) and gently guide him and give him structure, shape his thoughts in a correct pattern, let him see how close he was, how he can get there with a lil nudge in the right direction.
I think that's what real 1 on 1 teaching is, being so attuned, understanding your opponent - I mean student so deeply, all the nuances, all the unsaid things, what he really feels and thinks, all the subtleties in what he says, the tone, the exact words he uses, the cadence, the emotion, and so on. Then finding the perfect way to slightly nudge him on track, so everything starts flowing correctly again like water through a stream, u know as if a boulder or a small rock was impeding the flow.
I don't think anyone views it this way but that's how i view it when I'm doing it at my highest level. Of course I don't get there nearly enough and it takes time and continuity and presence. I think it's very much like - no exactly like my poker game when I'm in peak mode. It's complete focus, complete disregard for the rules and everything to do with my opponents. I watch everything they do and don't do, down to the minutest detail I can think of and internalize it, I get in their heads and know what they're thinking, what they're going to do, how they perceive me. It's the reason I love poker, it's what I feel poker is like in it's purest form, it's what I think teaching is like in it's purest form. The end.
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