Journal Entry: Reflecting on 2016
This was a journal which wasn't written with the intent of anyone else reading it. Anything in parentheses is notes that I added in to help you understand it.
Trying to determine whether it was a “good" or "bad" year is difficult. If it was good, was it good enough? Good is a comparison word. So if I compared it to 2015 it's great, if compared to 2012,2013 then not so much. What year is a fair comparison? I guess the previous year. That's how businesses do it at least (I think). I like to be practical, what is the point in deciding whether the year was good or bad? Well you were a business you'd want to find and repeat strategies that worked and vice versa.
My biggest mistake was making a decisions I knew was bad out of guilt and shame. Was it bad though (*Authors note: I ignored this line of thought because I knew it would lead down a never ending path that I've already taken before)? I compounded the mistake by committing to the decision longer than I should've. Why though? Once again fear and shame. I didn't air out disagreements with my family and as a result it created a huge gap between us. Once again out of fear and shame. I loved podcasts but I've done very few this year out of fear.
These were my biggest mistakes of the year. I did improve in this area though. I finally did Jiu Jitsu this year after years of being complacent due to fear. I did eventually reverse that initial bad decision I made. I've done 4 really fun podcasts in the past 2 weeks. I'm having more difficult conversations with the wifey. I hired my 1st writing coach ( I was also afraid of this).
So I'm trending towards overcoming fear. How did that happen? More self understanding I suppose. I guess I have better self knowledge. I was also pushed to a breaking point a few months ago, where I was forced to change. I think that was the biggest part.
My mission to improve as a teacher has been interesting. I've certainly grown. I write more and I write better. I do Problem Solving Coaching, teach how to study poker and I've finally become a better story teller which I wanted to do for years.
Personally, I've become a better friend to myself. I berate myself less and I've learned to be conscious that when I'm doing it I'm behaving incorrectly, that the words aren't accurate/true and they aren't helpful. Which has been huge. What mindsets or activities have given me the most value? What's value? Moving closer to goals. I'd say big action. I'd say feeling or allowing myself to do what I'm doing. When I don't feel guilt about not working and spending time with the family it allows me to be present and vice versa. That has been the most valuable.
I think the mindset of scarcity - scarcity of time, money, energy gives me anxiety. Takes me away from peak performance and ironically leads to less time, money and energy. If I can solve this problem I can increase my performance in life by a lot!
I have limiting beliefs 1) I didn't do enough today 2) I have to check all the boxes on a day. As Rory and Paul said you'd be pretty lucky to do that in a week and that they never even do everything in a week. I'm really falling behind in the coaching growth, maybe or def the kids (* I wasn't ready to change subjects so I went back). I believe a day will satisfy all needs (or wants rather) and check all the boxes. It doesn't. I need to not box myself to a day. A day doesn’t even exist.
What good habits do I want to repeat. Giving/expressing love. The trend of berating myself less. Understanding where my lack of action, interest or tiredness is coming from rather than judging myself as just a lazy loser. I’ve been focusing more on quality over quantity. I want to reinforce the hell out of that but without significantly diminishing quantity. It’s not how much I write it’s how good and enjoyable it is. Podcasting and Problem Solving coaching is always fun so just do as much as possible.
Constant learning and thinking. Keeping the trend of seeing beauty all around especially in the small and mundane. I lost that for awhile but it’s coming back. Doing art on rest periods. Understanding my wife. That’s led to more empathy and less anger and arguments. Being on the same page and having a day a week where we plan and do tasks together. Reading good books has positively effected my whole quality of life. I’ve started to slightly understand the idea of going with the flow better, not forcing action, not going against the current. I need much more practice and experience with this before I can get better at it.
Whether I define the year as good or bad is difficult. Unnecessary. Impossible almost. Time hasn’t had it’s say yet. Time can turn the bad into good and vice versa.
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