Warning: all posts in random rants are unedited and undoubtedly have grammatical errors.
Needing something to be good is such a hindrance. Just doing it and letting it be shitty is nice. Just don’t know whats wrong with me. Why cant I write? Why is there nothing I want to write about? I don’t know.
It’s interesting how everything gained leads to something lost. Nobody can be perfect. Every strength leads to a weakness in it’s counterpoint. There is no GTO balance point. Even something is lost in the GTO. How do you get ahead in life? Is everything objectively neutral? Objectively beautiful, ugly? Are we just playing a silly game?
Is it just mindset that determines your reality? How good/bad it is? Is it senseless to try to do “good” in the world? What about knowledge, I don’t think that’s senseless. Knowledge certainly enriches experiences, skill enriches experiences but I guess something is lost in the pursuit of knowledge and skill as well. Sometimes what is lost is unknown to us, well not sometimes but often times.
If I go to Vegas to play WSOP I lose time in other areas. Emerson says that everything gets compensated and everything evens out, the only wrong is what’s against your nature and the only right is what’s in line with your nature. This seems like a dangerous idea to me, what if it is in my nature to commit crimes or to a less serious extent watch TV all day?
I guess that’s why he thinks self reliance is so difficult, the inability to trust oneself. I don’t think I’d commit crimes but I worry I won’t accomplish my goals or I will neglect important areas in my life. Measuring the value of ones decision and therefore life isn’t an easy logical and mathematical question. It’s subjective. I think it’s undoubtable that Emerson lived a beautiful life, the way he speaks with so much life and vigor. He’s undoubtedly fascinated and in love with the world.
I wonder how he got there? If a life like his is possible than it seems it implies that it’s possible to have more good than bad in your life. I think it just goes back to mindset though. If you know someone who lives a "mundane" life but yet he’s blissfully happy, would you say he’s wrong? Is his life better than Elon Musks?
Is Elon living the optimal life? If a day comes where I don’t feel like writing this book, should I still write? Am I going against my nature by writing that day or is the other way around? Is it against my true nature to not write that day when I believe that’s what I truly want and this feeling to not write is just an transient impulse?
I always assumed you should assume that your purpose or your deepest desires is something you should always follow and that every day impulses to do or not do something are unimportant. I guess logically if it was a deep desire this feeling would go away soon and eventually I’d want to write again. That the longer I fight the feeling not to write the less likely I’ll be to write.
I shouldn’t write to accomplish a goal of finishing a book I should write out of enjoyment, I should enjoy the journey. Trying to make it a book is cramping my style. It’s making it so organized and serious, rather than this thing I love to do. Although I definitely enjoyed some parts of this but I also found it quite painful.
I also haven’t posted anything in 2 months since doing this though. I’ve been super tired since this idea too, maybe that has to do with disinterest. When I do things that interest me, all of a sudden BOOM I’m alive again. I can stay up til 4am playing Dominion, or watching good movies, or writing if it’s more laid back.
I feel like Im trying to make my writing too good, which really slows down the process. Let the writing get better in a more natural process, I don’t think I can perfect each post, I mean thats what I have an editor for. I’ve spent so much time on tedious writing, it has been fun but I can’t keep doing that. I should consider reading something that can improve my ability to form good sentences rather than stumbling about like I have been. I feel like everything on writing is mostly dry and stale though.
I guess thats the issue with how easy it is to write something, you get a lot of shitty material. Compensation.